Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She bit a glass in half.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
