you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
