when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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