Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
