she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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