based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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