I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
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