I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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