My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize