I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
