I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The best revenge is premature balding
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
