Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
