I think I won the penis lottery.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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