Don't make out with my wife yet
one two three fourrrrnication!
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
