Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
