MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
