I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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