I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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