i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Randomize
