Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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