he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
