It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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