If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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