i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
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