im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
