Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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