i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
