You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
