Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
