Have you finally orgasmed yet?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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