so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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