I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
