I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Duck Duck Cougar?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
