Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
