I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
