shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize