So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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