Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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