In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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