She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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