I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
