Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
