I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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