woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
