my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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