Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I love having hate sex.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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