I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize