I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
