I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
