fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
