Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Randomize