Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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