I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It's just like the Real World with babies
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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