her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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