Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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