You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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