I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Randomize
