Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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