and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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