I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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