dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
