i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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