The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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