I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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