the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
