I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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