chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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